#14. The Mental Load
My hands are full, bags swinging off each arm and from multiple fingers. I am pushing a cart in front of me with stacks so high, I cannot see around it all. Blindly, I maneuver, muscles straining, anxiety bringing tremors and tears.
You walk a few feet ahead, skipping periodically, picking up flowers on your way and accepting gifts of food and praise and joy from all kinds of sources lining the streets.
My gifts are in the gutter. I see them floating by me through tearful eyes.
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These are my definitions of ALONE:
“Look at the way they hold it all together for their family. They are so brave.”
“They think of everything.”
“You know best.”
“You naturally knows what to do with the baby. I don’t. I support you by making myself available anytime you need me. “
“My partner is always the one who plans our family trips. They are so good at it and always pick the best places to go and things to do!”
“I don’t know my child’s teacher's name. My spouse is the one who handles all the school, conference, volunteering bit.”
“You know, I never even have to think about meal planning. My partner has always taken care of that just like when I was young. It’s such a gift to come home to dinner every night from work. I feel really loved by the efforts.”
“Half the time, I don’t even know what the presents are. I am as surprised as our kiddos are at Christmas and birthdays.”
I am circling the drain, too tired to grasp the edges by my fingernails anymore.
My courage has turned to resignation that I must manage alone.
My strength has oozed out of my very bones under the weight of what I silently carry.
My memory starts to blow a fuse in my early 40s. I don’t know it yet, but this is the beginning of dementia.
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Who thinks of the others needs when sick or having a hard day? Who anticipates and encourages drinking a glass of water? Who folds laundry just to take the burden off a little? Who plans a gift, a vacation, a dinner just because one wants the other to feel good or comforted? Who chooses them first? Has anyone? How long do they have to bleed before someone figures out they need bandaging? Do they have to ask?
It has been hard to name what I needed: not perfection, but whole-hearted participation. They work so hard and can get defensive when I ask for more. It seems difficult to see the difference between providing necessities and partnering reciprocally to live and love together. I want to respond to praise they give on how good I handle things alone with shock, anger, hurt, but they look at me like I have grown horns when I challenge their compliments on what a good job I am doing.
“Couldn’t it be more enjoyable,” I want to say, “to share what we each know about different mediums so we are double the power? Instead of relying on my knowledge alone?
I want you to be so present and engaged that you realize you are as capable as I.
I want to share impressions of teachers and decisions about education. It is overwhelming at times to feel responsible for these little learning brains. We might have fun going to carnivals or sporting events together, knowing the parents of peers and being a team.
Sink into how blessed you feel by all of those home cooked meals you came home to. How amazingly satisfying it must have felt to be loved by these people in your life. Now, tell me what is the thing you have spent hours planning, shopping for and creating for them, that thing that happens regularly and makes them feel so satisfied and cared for. What is that? It cannot be your job.
How do you feel receiving those thoughtful gifts and seeing your children and parents being touched by your partner's great gift giving skills. You could never? What? Take time to think about each person, think through what makes them smile or what they might need to make life a little easier? Maybe it’s the skill where time is dedicated to researching ideas and creating meaningful gifts that you don’t have? Or the being slow and present enough with those you love to know what they might want on their birthdays? Truly, it takes as much effort for them as you. Assumptions are quickly made that it must be natural and easeful for them. But most of the time, they have worked hard to get here and they really need help.
The ironic thing is if you could see what is wanted (presence) and the positive impact that will be had on everyone, you would be so ecstatic to give yourself to the task. I have seen the relief and joy on faces when they realize they are wanted just for who they are. The little one who thought they were a bother, the child who was told they talked too much or who was labeled too sensitive is the person I absolutely adore. What a joyful relief for both of us when they figured out that what I wanted was them to know themselves and share themselves with me.
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The mental load is a curse of loneliness.
It’s a trap of feeling unseen.
Partners sometimes choose to abandon. And people sometimes work incredibly hard to provide what they think is expected, what was modeled for them by parents, confused and frustrated that it doesn’t seem like enough. Sometimes fear is expressed as defensiveness, shut down or anger at not understanding what is lacking in the offerings. We fear looking ignorant, feeling rejected or repeating some offense we witnessed our parents arguing about. We’re terrified of partners laughing at us, criticizing us or thinking we are stupid.
I have seen more and more couples sharing the load in all ways: emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. Thank the universe for LGBTQ+ couples challenging norms and breaking inter-generational imbalances, who choose to partner differently and are consistently showing up for each other. Thank goodness for couples who keep open the doors of communication so they each can make conscious choices and hold intentional check-ins.
The burden of the mental load can be lifted. We want you to know who you are so that you can share that beautiful soul with us. If, god forbid, you had to take care of things alone for awhile… if I hurt myself and needed you to carry the entire load for the both of us temporarily, what would you be doing differently? How would you lovingly care for me in need? Because, when the mental load is off balance, I am in need.
Show up by paying attention to what I might do in a situation you don’t feel confident in and give it a try. Think through the question, what is the next step, before you involve me, because I fully believe in your capacity to know. And when you don’t know, that’s okay too. I love when you tell me, “I want to help and I’ve thought through how but it seems like you have a lot taken care of yourself. Can you help me know what would best assist you?”
I feel myself melting a little just imagining the words. Because I know the spirit: They want to show up but are unsure how. They have experienced being laughed at and yelled at before. They are realizing that time and effort to think through things and google what needs to be googled. They are taking time to educate themselves and trying to take initiative more. They want to do more. They want to love you like you need to be loved. They also have voices saying all kinds of distracting nonsense and criticism. Be gentle. Be merciful. Change can happen.
